CLICK TO ENTER ESPN

RACE 11 STATS

STANDINGS AFTER RACE 11
MAX	1791
EVAN	1737
BRAD	1701
RUFUS	1678
JOE	1670
ROSE	1634
ROB	1629
ISHO	1627
JERRY	1580
RANDY	1566
KAREN	1535

PRIZE POOL
11 PLAYERS

My image lends itself a little bit more to the modern fan, sometimes more
toward the kids, and I guess more toward the wine drinkers...
I mean, I have my own wine, and fans love to pull for people they relate to.
-- Jeff Gordon

Stay off the tracks. Forget it. Its a bum's world for a bum. You'll never be
Emperor of the North Pole, kid. You had the juice, kid, but not the heart and they go
together. You're all gas and no feel, and nobody can teach you that, not even A-No.1.
So stay off the train, she'll throw you under for sure. Remember me for that. So long, kid.
--- "A" Number One

"What's the use of wiping, if you're gonna shower soon anyway."
--- Captain Max

Okay, now we can say officially and officiously that ITYW segment one is in the books. There, that wasn’t so bad, was it? Some wounded pride and ruffled feathers scattered like road kill on the highway to hell.

It was a longstanding tradition from the primordial ooze of NASCAR to not race on Easter and Mother’s day. A polite nod to the creator and the middle – woman in the cycle of life, mothers. NASCAR sidesteps the tradition by racing on Saturday night.

We close the segment at Darlington. A throwback track to the days of dust on your clothes, dirt on your face and a fist in your eye. A 1.366 mile anomaly nestled in the bosom of South Carolina and the crotch of danger. The Lady in Black hosted the first 500 mile race in NASCAR history and the first on asphalt in 1950. Johnny “Dollar” Mantz won. His only win in a 12-race career.

A long, grueling race. 500 miles of limited passing and unlimited lunacy. ITY players had excellent scores overall and no positions changed as we prepare for the decadence of segment two. Let us take leave of our senses and try to patch up things with mom with a cheap plug of flowers and a syrupy card…ya, that’ll do it.

A brief recap of the race as it involved drivers what were picked by ITYW wizards.

Kurt Busch captures the pole position. A new track record. Underfunded and over confident, can he tame the track? Over 181 mph on a track designed for wallowing heaps of twice the weight and half the speed. Kurt leads the first 48 laps until pit stops.

Lap 41 – Casey Mears has to pit for who knows why and goes two laps down.

Lap 125 – First caution of the night for debris.

Lap 141 – Bowyer is penalized for dragging the gas can out of the pits.

Lap 302 – Regan Smith loses control off of turn four. 2nd caution flag of the race.

Lap 298 – Stewart bushes the wall. Out of contention but still digging.

Lap 313 – Mears is turned by Menard and hits the inside wall. Kurt Busch is involved.

Lap 335 – Kahne tries to slip past Kyle for the lead. Doesn’t work. Kyle slightly clips Kahne. Kahne slides into the wall.

Kenseth works past Kyle Busch on lap 354 for the win. Kyle falls back to finish 6th.

DoubleIndemnity – Captain Max:
Burton (21) Kenseth (WINNER) Truex (12) Johnson (4) Kyle Busch (6)
Race 182 Season 1791

Captain Max continues to endure heaps of abuse. Rufus told him his teeth were yellow but he’d be okay if he wore a brown tie. Still, DoubleIndemnity is in first. Poetic justice? “That doesn’t even rhyme,” cries Max, “and that Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great! That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.” The Captain is off the rails.

Trying to hold on for the final race of the besmirched segment one, DoubleIndemnity stays with Kenseth and the steady poise of Johnson. 182 and the jowls of delight hold onto 1st place in ITYW.

PullMyFinger – Evan:
Hamlin (2) Kenseth (WINNER) Kyle Busch (6) Martin (25) Gordon (3)
Race 190 Season 1737

The week of jury duty was quickly staunched. Fancy foot work and glib jabber once again prevailed over justice. A tattooed pile of debris took a morals charge for indecent exposure at the Opera house. The defense attorney had him drop his skivvies and the case was dismissed for insufficient evidence. The other trial involved a charge of sodomy but the DA plea bargained it down to “Following too closely.” The prospective jurors were dismissed like vermin and stumbled into the halls of justice looking for the crapper and their 6 bucks jury stipend, dammit!

A remarkable run at the ITYW lead continues for PMF. Gambling with Hamlin’s return from injury balanced by his performance at Darlington pays off for Evan. ITYW high score again (190) and PMF creep ever so closer to DoubleIndemnity.

Pittsburgh Steel Wheels – Aktungbaby (Brad):
Johnson (4) Kurt Busch (14) Kenseth (WINNER) Gordon (3) Stenhouse (18)
Race 186 Seasons 1701

Aktungbaby refers to the segment one kerfuffle as a mutiny of “perverts.” A solid race for Pittsburgh Steel Wheels with Kenseth winning and Stenhouse surviving a mid race wall scrape to finish 18th. PSW pushes into 3rd in ITYW. Aktungbaby keeps a jaundiced eye on the NHL (hockey for those of you what don’t care) playoffs. He vows the Penguins will win the Stanly Cup even if it harelips every Canadian in the arena. How can a man take a bowel movement with a dozen buffalo rifles pointed at him? Slap shot!

Drone Strike Nation – Goat Locker - Rufus:
Bowyer (11) Kyle Busch (6) Gordon (3) Martin (25) Truex (12)
Race 166 Season 1678.

Amanda “Big Mouth” Bass, now there’s a smart tomato. She works the trade at a seedy French dive in the Tenderloin, Le Clube Foote. Rufus was immediately smitten. She enticed him into a game of strip chess with her. He was down to his BVDs when she castled his rook and he fainted. Looks like old Rufus will be talking to the one-eyed optometrist again. Swine.

After the el foldo at Talladega, Drone Strike Nation tries to regroup and refloat the rusty tub. His team does well. The other teams just did a bit weller. Martin was the downfall as Goat Locker stops the bleeding.

High Value Target – JOE:
Biffle (13) Kyle Busch (6) Kurt Busch (14) Montoya (8) Johnson (4)
Race 178 Seasons 1670

High Value Target has struggled most of the season. Started out on top but has been pushed about like the red-headed kid in the cafetorium. Joe opts for Montoya at Darlington and it pays off with a surprising 8th place finish.

Joe seeks solace from Hatchet Hag. She peels back a scab from her upper lip and croaks, “Your name is ‘you're wanting’, and you can't play the man's game, you can't close them, and then tell your wife your troubles.’Cause, only one thing counts in this world: get them to sign on the line which is dotted.” Thank you for that.

2012 ITYW CHAMPIONS LoopyColon – Rose:
Biffle (13) Kurt Busch (14) Burton (21) Johnson (4) Kyle Busch (6)
Race 165 Season 1634

Some repressed animosity boils over in LoopyColon camp. Seems that last week’s “Skids” segment wasn’t befitting a defending ITYW champion. Short, snarky and ended with “toilet”. An outrage. “I should have a provisional and right of first refusal,” demands Rose, on a tilt, “They told me down at the USO that I’d be meeting a lot of strange men. Men in uniform. Creeps a long way from home, lonely, desperate. They really have one thing on their minds: the horizontal hula on a grass skirt.” The chaplain was notified.

A gutsy comeback brings LoopyColon to mid pack. She takes a flyer with the Busch brothers. Could be like the Earp brothers vs. the Clantons in the OK Corral. Strong early but fizzle in the end

Zerodarkturdy – ROB:
Bowyer (11) Kenseth (WINNER) Earnhardt (9) Stewart (15) Smith (24)
Race 164 Seasons 1629

Zerodarkturdy is closely following LoopyColon going into Darlington. In some twisted way, that makes sense. “Turdy” indeed! Rob is not amused. He thinks of the hump who told his doctor, “Doc, I’m getting smaller and smaller.” The Doc replies, “Well, you have to be a little patient.” Youuuuuu bastard.

Bold choices paid off with Kenseth’s win and Earnhardt’s 9th. Stewart was challenging for the win but hit the wall. Smith fell short and Zerodarkturdy stays in 7th.

QUEENISHO –ISHO:
Burton (21) Truex (12) Gordon (3) Johnson (4) Hamlin (2)
Race 179 Season 1627

QueenIsho makes inroads in ITYW. From the cellar to 8th and only seven points from 6th the tightest race within ITYW. Burton was the only downside to an up day for the team on the rebound.

Isho got snared in the Austin traffic jam resulting from President Obama’s visit last Thursday. As the motorcade passed and cuts her off, Isho asks the President, “Hey, ain’t your turn signal working?” Obama looks down and says, “Yes, no! Yes, no! Yes, no!” Sure!

The DEAD – Ted “Jerry” Dead (W4GMW):
Kyle Busch (6) Johnson (4) Earnhardt (9) Harvick (5) Mears (37 DNF)
Race 161 Seasons 1580

Wow! Still it seems pretty swell that Jerry gets call letters that include his initials. Even his middle name initial. Hell, even his own mother didn’t know what his middle name was. We called him “middle finger” Jerry. Anyway, he deals with the collegiate atmosphere of Lexington, KY on a daily basis. He’s noted that the average student is dumber than before. “How do you get a University of Kentucky PhD student off your porch?” Jerry chides, “Pay him for the pizza.”

The DEAD had probably the best choices this week until the whole thing was scuttled by that bouncing boob, Casey Mears. How this cluck can be a millionaire defies good sense and fore play. Jerry remains in 9th place but within striking distance of mediocrity.


20 MULE TEAM – Shelley/Randy:
Kahne (17) Patrick (28) Kyle Busch (6) Kurt Busch (14) Johnson (4)
Race 154 Season 1566

Smaller heads and bigger asses reach a consensus that perhaps Shelley should be the arbiter of this team and pick drivers for a segment. This Randy has been close but always seems to find the three legged dog in the race. Danica? Whew! Backup car. Poor qualification. Tough track. She was a long shot in short order. The Busch brothers showed promise early only to struggle at the end and Kahne seemed to be a brilliant pick until Kyle Busch helped Kahne find the wall as both were vying for the lead late. It all adds up to the ITYW low score of the week.

Ya know? Randy was an officer in the Army. A born leader of men. One of his men complained that he had the humps with a $10 hooker and ended up with the crabs. Lieutenant Randy answered with dismissive disdain, “What do you expect for $10, lobster?” The stunned dog-face later enlisted in the Navy and is now a Vice-admiral.

Rogue Planet – Karen:
Kurt Busch (14) Gordon (3) Kyle Busch (6) Burton (21) Kenseth (WINNER)
Race 183 Season 1535

There are signs of life on Rogue Planet, after all. Still in the cellar Rogue delivers a strong 183 points to pull 20 Mule Team into her gravitational force field. Karen picks the winner, Kenseth, and withstands Burton’s disappointing effort. It makes for a ruffled feather and a hair up the whoong but the Planet is hanging in there. Karen gives the Bette wave and says, “One lesson I learned. Never shop east of Beverly Hills.”

The nomads of insanity pack up the kit bag and head for Charlotte. Arguably the “home” track for many of the teams. This hop-a-long horse show is billed as NASCAR’s all-star event. A Humpy Wheeler legacy. Hullabaloo, voodoo, hoodoo and a lot of doo-doo. No NASCAR driver championship points are involved so the festivities are strictly Saturday night free-for-all. NASCAR equivalent of a WWF Cage match.

There will be no NASCAR points awarded so ITYW will lay fallow like Rufus’s last date. But, the Emperor does run a shabby little book on the side, if anyone is interested in getting some action down on side bars and sure things just contact him at #vigorish and bend over.

ITYW and NASCAR return to counting points and complaints May 26th for the Coca-Cola 600 right there in Charlotte. A bloody nightcap to the Indianapolis 500 and the keys to a Memorial Day weekend.      

RACE 11 POINTS

RACE 11 SEGMENT 1 STANDINGS

RACE 11 DRIVER SELECTIONS