“Some things are important to some people
but don't mean squat to most people so that's just what makes
some of us go for long walks. Others just go upstairs. And
life goes on and it festers. That's the good part. Like fine
compost. Smell of it. Happiness and NASCAR.” “Whatever”
“Her mother was a representative for Alaska Airlines. --- The Emperor
Darlington South Carolina, a rusty burg cobbled together in 1736 for the Prussian Baptists on the shores of (honest) the Pee Dee River. No wonder they jumped on the opportunity to name the town for Revolutionary Colonel Eustace “Ears” Darlington. “Pee Dee - the track too tough to potty train” doesn’t quite have the same ring. Dorsey Dixon, who wrote Roy Acuff’s 1942 country hit “The Wreck on the Highway” and Orlando Hudson who plays 2nd base for the San Diego Padres were born in Darlington. We don’t care! Textile, tobacco and the track were and are the mainstays of the community. Moonshine is a Darlington cottage industry steeped in southern charm and down home hostility. Darlington is a unique track with a pervading sense of malevolence. A 1.336 mile egg shaped kinda oval. Built in 1949, Harold Brasington, a failed race driver and crony of Bill France, wised up and bought 70 acres from Sherman Ramsey with the stipulation that the track would not disturb the minnow pond or the rumored bodies therein. Them was pretty fat minnows, ya know what we mean. The first race was Sept 4, 1950. An astounding 75 cars paraded three wide to the green flag. 28 finished…sort of. 6 hours and 38 minutes later, Johnny Mantz, driving a 1950 Plymouth, took the checkered flag, nine laps ahead of 2nd place Fireball Roberts. The winning trophy is named after Mantz but he doesn’t care so much. The minnow pond is long gone but the skeletons remain. Reconfiguration, Repaving, lights and increased capacity to 68,000 (10 times the population of Darlington) have done little to change the mile of malice. She’s as unforgiving as a wife waiting with the rolling pin for a late to come home husband. Bam! Zoom! To the moon. It was a night race and the cap on the first of three segments for ITYW players. The race? Turned out to be kinda anti-climatic. Somewhat like Todd on a whoopee cushion. A bout of rough-housing between the Ryan Newman and Kurt Busch crews post race. A NASCAR official fell or was knocked onto the hood of Kurt’s car. An enraged tire changer and a collision with a catcher named Yang Yang. A near brawl broke out. There was some churning of the entrails in the ITYW stack but the mules are stubborn and the champion remains just that. Let us get out the can opener and open this can of worms.
Darlington South Carolina, a rusty burg cobbled together in 1736 for the Prussian Baptists on the shores of (honest) the Pee Dee River. No wonder they jumped on the opportunity to name the town for Revolutionary Colonel Eustace “Ears” Darlington. “Pee Dee - the track too tough to potty train” doesn’t quite have the same ring. Dorsey Dixon, who wrote Roy Acuff’s 1942 country hit “The Wreck on the Highway” and Orlando Hudson who plays 2nd base for the San Diego Padres were born in Darlington. We don’t care! Textile, tobacco and the track were and are the mainstays of the community. Moonshine is a Darlington cottage industry steeped in southern charm and down home hostility. Darlington is a unique track with a pervading sense of malevolence. A 1.336 mile egg shaped kinda oval. Built in 1949, Harold Brasington, a failed race driver and crony of Bill France, wised up and bought 70 acres from Sherman Ramsey with the stipulation that the track would not disturb the minnow pond or the rumored bodies therein. Them was pretty fat minnows, ya know what we mean. The first race was Sept 4, 1950. An astounding 75 cars paraded three wide to the green flag. 28 finished…sort of. 6 hours and 38 minutes later, Johnny Mantz, driving a 1950 Plymouth, took the checkered flag, nine laps ahead of 2nd place Fireball Roberts. The winning trophy is named after Mantz but he doesn’t care so much. The minnow pond is long gone but the skeletons remain. Reconfiguration, Repaving, lights and increased capacity to 68,000 (10 times the population of Darlington) have done little to change the mile of malice. She’s as unforgiving as a wife waiting with the rolling pin for a late to come home husband. Bam! Zoom! To the moon. It was a night race and the cap on the first of three segments for ITYW players. The race? Turned out to be kinda anti-climatic. Somewhat like Todd on a whoopee cushion. A bout of rough-housing between the Ryan Newman and Kurt Busch crews post race. A NASCAR official fell or was knocked onto the hood of Kurt’s car. An enraged tire changer and a collision with a catcher named Yang Yang. A near brawl broke out. There was some churning of the entrails in the ITYW stack but the mules are stubborn and the champion remains just that. Let us get out the can opener and open this can of worms. A brief recap of the race as it involved drivers what were picked by ITYW wizards. Biffle starts on the pole and leads the first 48 laps. Says that he has a vibration from the start of the race. Might be the straw in his head. Lap 24 – Gordon swipes the wall. Join the club. It would be but the beginning. Lap 49 from green flag pit stops Kyle Busch takes the lead. Lap 50 – Johnson takes the lead. Sets the tone for the evening Lap 70 and Kesolowski scrapes the wall. Starts to drop like someone clocked his knees. The first caution of the night on lap 172 for debris. Almost ¾ of field was down at least one lap. Johnson was scarfing the other drivers like chocolate bunnies. Brake problems for that Reutimann cluck. He goes 53 laps down. Archimedes Screw is once again looking for the remote. Lap 193 – Gordon has a flat tire while in 8th place. Into the pits. Lap 205 – Gordon has another flat tire. The Lady in Black is back. To the garage. 28 laps down before he returns to the track. Another poor race for snake-bit Jeff. Finishes 35th. Whew! Who woulda thunk? Lap 317 – On a pit stop Stewart’s car develops transmission/clutch problem. He needs push started. Goes from 5th to 16th. On the track he pushes the limits and finishes 3rd. Lap 308 – Ragan Smith spins in turn 4 trying to enter pit road according to Waltrip who, of course, knows the secrets of the universe. Just ask him. Lap 317 – McMurray and Allmendinger tangle and slide into the wall. Lap 362 – Kurt Busch flats and goes into wall and knocks Newman into the wall. Or so we are told. Kurt cussed and ranted to his crew on the radio. After pitting Busch did a “burn-out” through Newman’s pit while startled crew members hopped in terror and some pants were peed. NASCAR reviews the film. Busch fumes and according to Newman, when asked about being worried about Kurt’s apparent instability (freakazoid), said, “Everybody has for the last 10 years. He's proven that. When you can't keep a job, it's pretty obvious." Jimmy Johnson holds off Dennis Hamlin to take his 1st win of the season and Hendrick Racing’s 200th victory.
(2011 CHAMPION & 2012 SEGMENT 1 WINNER) 20 MULE TEAM - Shelley and Randy: Race 166 Points/ Season – 1701 Points Patrick, Johnson, Biffle, Kyle Busch, Menard It was a race befitting the braggadocio and fumes of a Champion. 20 Mule Team, the defending 2011 ITYW champion, opens the 2012 season right where they left off last year. A few nips at the fetlocks of the mules as the race progressed Saturday. Steel Wheels got with 15 points at one point but that charge faded like a freckle in a freezer. ITsTIMEFORDODGERBASEBALL bobbed and weaved, gaining two points but never was a serious threat. 20 Mule Team entered the day 38 points ahead and ended the whole thing 43 points on the up. To the victor go the spoils and that 20 Mule smells like something is spoiled. Called all the rest of us deplorable losers. $50 and a hearty handclasp. Well played, 20 Mule Team. BEAT THIS BUNCH – ROB: Race – 161 Points / 1658 Season Points Johnson, Biffle, Smith. Truex Jr., McMurray Oh, my! Beat this Bunch reloads for a shot at the dough. A couple of times BTB was once again flirting with 200 points. Keep flirting and he’ll need 200 stitches. Miranda fires a warning shot across Rob’s bow. But for McMurray’s late race misfortune with that Allmendinger it might have been a different story. A happier ending. But, Beat This Bunch remains in 2nd and figures the table is set for the 2nd segment. Problem is 20 Mule Team is terribly lacking in table manners. Wipes his nose with the doilies. Eats beets in bed. The brute. ITsTIMEFORDODGERBASEBALL –QUEENISHO: Race - 168 Points / Season – 1655 Points Johnson, Edwards, Kenseth, McMurray, Ambrose So, ITsTIMEFORDODGERBASEBALL remains steadfastly loyal to her original team. A team picked before Daytona. That team was dazzling this week right up until McMurray gets whacked on lap 317. As it is ITFDB gains two points on the lead team. QueenIsho is reluctant to change the team chemistry. She was seized by a demonic frenzy of rage when advised that all teams will be erased by ESPN. It’s like the hangman’s hatter. She can attempt to assemble the same team but it will depend on the prices. Pittsburgh Steel Wheels – Aktungbaby (Brad): Race - 168 Points /Season – 1642 Points Biffle, Hamlin, Johnson, Logano, McMurray Aktungbaby moves the Steel Wheels back into a money position for segment 2. Matching ITFDB with 168 points this week the patient Pittsburg Steel Wheels takes their original team into 4th. Like QueenIsho’s ITFDB Brad has stayed with the team all season and was also stung by McMurray’s wreck and 34th place finish. 59 points from the lead, the top four in ITYW settle in for a tough and competitive segment two. Pirate and Steeler fan Brad stays constant, patient. Reminds us that the world’s death rate remains at 100%. He is fluent in obvious. JabberNow – RJWolford: Race – 136 Points/ Season – 1613 Points Martin, Hamlin, Biffle, McMurray, Burton JabberNow, once a leader is now struggling to maintain balance. Oh sure, McMurray was a factor in a poor Saturday performance but Mark Martin rolled off the hauler as slow as the coupon lady in the grocery lane and only got slower. Martin finishes on the lead lap but that was vision of grandeur. Martin is 20th. Burton is 18th and JabberNow falls back a position to 5th. RJ picks and chooses but still ponders why a woman can be a bastard but a man can never be a bitch. WhipLash – Todd: Race- 132 Points/ Season – 1559 Points Johnson, Allmendinger, Newman, Biffle, Cassil A rough patch these last three races for WhipLash. Todd watches in abject horror and benign apathy as the leaders fade on the horizon. “I was leading this zoo by week 2,” sobs sad penguin Todd, “Now I feel like I got wanded by Dr. Faustus.” Well, what the hell? Cassill? Hey, he did okay for a slug. 26th. Better than McMurray and Allmendinger. And we see Newman crap out to a 23rd after his tangle with Kurt Busch on lap 362. Todd figures one should put his best foot forward and keep the other one out of his mouth. Back to the urine couch. Archimedes Screw – Karen: Race - 149 Points/ Season – 1554 Points Burton, Stewart, Kyle Busch, Reutimann, Biffle. Archimedes Screw is another player staying with their original Daytona team. Oh, Stewart and Kyle tried to carry the team but once again it was the plummeting Reutimann what screwed the screw. Karen even contacted ITYW Emperor about dumping this anvil. When advised of the procedure she gave the Bette wave and repaired to Starbucks to complain to a bulbous barista. “He just sits there like a visible conscience,” she says. “Grande – Frappe,” the reply. For all the turmoil the team is not that far out of contention. Could retool, retrench and regurgitate for segment and be the king lizard. ConspicuousValor – Evan: Race - 152 Points Season – 1531 Points Hamlin, Kesolowski, Kyle Busch, Burton, Patrick ConspicuousValor treads the turgid water like he was in the ocean waiting for a rescue ship while the sharks circle. Oh, the teams look good on the face of things. It’s the ass end that gets all rashed up week after week. This week Kesolowski, coming off an impressive win at Talladega, certainly was a disappointment at Darlington. The long shot was Danica Patrick. "My goals were to run respectable and felt like that happened, and to finish,'' Patrick said. "We did both of those things so I think it was overall a really successful weekend…” Respectable? Ran 31st. Tony Stewart was livid because he finished 3rd. Truex Jr. groused and grumbled because of a pit decision that took him out contention. Danica is about as useful as a colony of e-coli. Now! That’s harsh. Woman is making $25 million this year and driving part time. Who’s the wizard in this forest, LittleJohn?” Oh well. ConspicuousValor, who couldn’t make $25 million if he lived 200 years and had a good lawyer, can find solace in a stinkin’ 152 points and a rut in 8th place in ITYW. THE DEAD – Ted “Jerry” Dead: Race- 146 Points/ Season - 1490 Points Johnson, Biffle, Martin, McMurray, Menard The Dead wanders down the path of mediocrity. Staying with Menard wasn’t a bad idea. He finished 13th. Martin was off target, off time and McMurray was knocked cock-eyed late in the race. But, even with the woes of the night, The Dead manages to tip toe past the staggering Emperor. A brawling tussle at the bottom of ITYW. 70 points separate four contenders, each trying to climb out of the morass of misery. If it at all relevant it might be interesting. THE EMPEROR – JOE: Race - 114 Points/ Season – 1468 Points Edwards, Gordon, Earnhardt Jr., McMurray, Smith Changing McMurray for Almirola in a last ditch effort to right the reeling Emperor. That didn’t work so well. The mugging continues. Gordon? No luck Jeff couldn’t get a kiss in a mononucleosis marathon. Regan Smith, the winner last year? Not even close this race. Finishes 14th. Earnhardt Jr. was pretty much missing in action, finishing 17th. Worry about that boy sometimes. Been eating the bark off trees. McMurray’s late race accident. It all adds up to a paltry 114 points. Low score for ITYW this week and leaves The Emperor scratching his head in frustrated bewilderment. “Devil’s breath drug can block free will and wipe the memory,” he mumbles to the frightened cashier at Staters. “Paper or plastic, ya crazy bastard?” She murmurs, “Have a nice day.” Hermosillo Fireball – Hermosillo: Race – 126 Points / Season – 1427 Points Gordon, Newman, Edwards, McMurray, Almirola The good news? Hermosillo Fireball moves out of the cellar past the Chief. The bad news? Everything else. Gordon is like wearing a concrete life jacket this year. 35th. Patrick beat him. No wonder she’s pleased. That bar is kinda low. Newman wrecks. So does McMurray. And the beat (and beatings) go on. The Fireball wanders the high desert in search of an answer that never comes. He is called to jury duty on a case of the Killer Fruits. The judge instructs that the defendants are entitled to a jury of their pears. “Just kick me in the jimmies and get it over with.” Hunting Catastrophe – M. Chief Rufus: Race - 117 Points / Season – 1420 Points Gordon, Biffle, Earnhardt Jr., Allmendinger, Martin The rats, the vermin, the mold and the unspeakable oddities of the cellar welcome Hunting Catastrophe back home to hotel torment. Not one of the Catastrophe team finished in the top 10. Best was Biffle finishing 12th after dominating the first half of the race. A segment of inadequacies stump the old tar. “I haven’t been this flummoxed since we went clam kissing in Pearl City,” laments Rufus, “It was like putting on a WWII gas mask.” Well! That ends the first 11- race segment of the ITYW season. Next week the circus of cataclysm returns to Charlotte. Saturday we are to be assaulted by the Sprint Challenge and the Sprint All-Star exhibition. A thinly veiled orgy of greed sandwiched between unabashed commercial crassness. A non-point run for a $1 million purse. The race does not count in the NASCAR or the ITYW point count. It is merely hyperbole on steroids leading up to the Memorial weekend glut of races. Trucks, ARCA, Nationwide, Sprint Charlotte 600, F-1 Gran Prix of Monaco and the Indy 500. Speaking of crassness. A reminder that all players must sign into their ESPN accounts before the Charlotte 600 Saturday, May 27th. ITYW begins the season’s 2nd segment. A 15 race segment ending Sept 8th at Richmond. Reestablish your teams and test the waters. A reminder of clarification. 20 Mule Team wins the $50 payout for the first segment. Highest point total for that segment, races 1-11. $50 will go to the moke what has the highest point total for segment 2, races 12 – 22. It is possible that the winner of the segment 2 high score will not be in 1st place in the standings. As an example: 20 Mule Team – 1st place scores - 2000 points in segment 2. Would be 3701 in the standings. Hunting Catastrophe – scores 2200 points in segment 2. Would be 3620 in the standings. Behind 20 Mule but would still win the $50 for outscoring everyone else in segment two. Randy will be banging his shoe but we told him so. See! Easy. If you need any assistance or have any questions, comments or pointed barbs, please contact the Emperor by simply replying to his e-mail notification. See ya on the skids. |
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