image lends itself a little bit more to the modern fan, sometimes more
toward the kids, and I guess more toward the wine drinkers...
mean, I have my own wine, and fans love to pull for people they relate
-- Jeff Gordon
off the tracks. Forget it. Its a bum's world for a bum. You'll never be
Emperor of the North Pole, kid. You had the juice, kid, but not the
heart and they go
together. You're all gas and no feel, and nobody
can teach you that, not even A-No.1.
So stay off the train, she'll
throw you under for sure. Remember me for that. So long, kid.
"What's the use of wiping, if you're gonna shower soon anyway."
--- Captain Max
Okay, now we can say officially and officiously
that ITYW segment one is in the books. There, that wasn’t so bad, was
it? Some wounded pride and ruffled feathers scattered like road kill on
the highway to hell.
It was a longstanding tradition from the
primordial ooze of NASCAR to not race on Easter and Mother’s day. A
polite nod to the creator and the middle – woman in the cycle of life,
mothers. NASCAR sidesteps the tradition by racing on Saturday night.
We close the segment at Darlington. A throwback track to the days of
dust on your clothes, dirt on your face and a fist in your eye. A 1.366
mile anomaly nestled in the bosom of South Carolina and the crotch of
danger. The Lady in Black hosted the first 500 mile race in NASCAR
history and the first on asphalt in 1950. Johnny “Dollar” Mantz won. His
only win in a 12-race career.
A long, grueling race. 500 miles of
limited passing and unlimited lunacy. ITY players had excellent scores
overall and no positions changed as we prepare for the decadence of
segment two. Let us take leave of our senses and try to patch up things
with mom with a cheap plug of flowers and a syrupy card…ya, that’ll do
A brief recap of the race as it involved drivers what were
picked by ITYW wizards.
Kurt Busch captures the pole position. A
new track record. Underfunded and over confident, can he tame the track?
Over 181 mph on a track designed for wallowing heaps of twice the weight
and half the speed. Kurt leads the first 48 laps until pit stops.
Lap 41 – Casey Mears has to pit for who knows why and goes two laps
Lap 125 – First caution of the night for debris.
Lap 141 – Bowyer is penalized for dragging the gas can out of the pits.
Lap 302 – Regan Smith loses control off of turn four. 2nd caution
flag of the race.
Lap 298 – Stewart bushes the wall. Out of
contention but still digging.
Lap 313 – Mears is turned by Menard
and hits the inside wall. Kurt Busch is involved.
Lap 335 – Kahne
tries to slip past Kyle for the lead. Doesn’t work. Kyle slightly clips
Kahne. Kahne slides into the wall.
Kenseth works past Kyle Busch
on lap 354 for the win. Kyle falls back to finish 6th.
DoubleIndemnity – Captain Max:
Burton (21) Kenseth
(WINNER) Truex (12) Johnson (4) Kyle Busch (6)
Race 182 Season 1791
Captain Max continues to endure heaps of abuse. Rufus told him
his teeth were yellow but he’d be okay if he wore a brown tie. Still,
DoubleIndemnity is in first. Poetic justice? “That doesn’t even rhyme,”
cries Max, “and that Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence.
He said that the life we lived we're gonna live over again the exact
same way for eternity. Great! That means I'll have to sit through the
Ice Capades again.” The Captain is off the rails.
Trying to hold
on for the final race of the besmirched segment one, DoubleIndemnity
stays with Kenseth and the steady poise of Johnson. 182 and the jowls of
delight hold onto 1st place in ITYW.
Hamlin (2) Kenseth (WINNER) Kyle Busch (6) Martin (25) Gordon
Race 190 Season 1737
The week of jury duty was
quickly staunched. Fancy foot work and glib jabber once again prevailed
over justice. A tattooed pile of debris took a morals charge for
indecent exposure at the Opera house. The defense attorney had him drop
his skivvies and the case was dismissed for insufficient evidence. The
other trial involved a charge of sodomy but the DA plea bargained it
down to “Following too closely.” The prospective jurors were dismissed
like vermin and stumbled into the halls of justice looking for the
crapper and their 6 bucks jury stipend, dammit!
A remarkable run
at the ITYW lead continues for PMF. Gambling with Hamlin’s return from
injury balanced by his performance at Darlington pays off for Evan. ITYW
high score again (190) and PMF creep ever so closer to DoubleIndemnity.
Pittsburgh Steel Wheels – Aktungbaby (Brad):
Kurt Busch (14) Kenseth (WINNER) Gordon (3) Stenhouse (18)
Aktungbaby refers to the segment one
kerfuffle as a mutiny of “perverts.” A solid race for Pittsburgh Steel
Wheels with Kenseth winning and Stenhouse surviving a mid race wall
scrape to finish 18th. PSW pushes into 3rd in ITYW. Aktungbaby keeps a
jaundiced eye on the NHL (hockey for those of you what don’t care)
playoffs. He vows the Penguins will win the Stanly Cup even if it
harelips every Canadian in the arena. How can a man take a bowel
movement with a dozen buffalo rifles pointed at him? Slap shot!
Drone Strike Nation – Goat Locker - Rufus:
Bowyer (11) Kyle
Busch (6) Gordon (3) Martin (25) Truex (12)
Race 166 Season 1678.
Amanda “Big Mouth” Bass, now there’s a smart tomato.
She works the trade at a seedy French dive in the Tenderloin, Le Clube
Foote. Rufus was immediately smitten. She enticed him into a game of
strip chess with her. He was down to his BVDs when she castled his rook
and he fainted. Looks like old Rufus will be talking to the one-eyed
optometrist again. Swine.
After the el foldo at Talladega, Drone
Strike Nation tries to regroup and refloat the rusty tub. His team does
well. The other teams just did a bit weller. Martin was the downfall as
Goat Locker stops the bleeding.
High Value Target – JOE:
Biffle (13) Kyle Busch (6) Kurt Busch (14) Montoya
(8) Johnson (4)
Race 178 Seasons 1670
Target has struggled most of the season. Started out on top but has been
pushed about like the red-headed kid in the cafetorium. Joe opts for
Montoya at Darlington and it pays off with a surprising 8th place
Joe seeks solace from Hatchet Hag. She peels back a scab
from her upper lip and croaks, “Your name is ‘you're wanting’, and you
can't play the man's game, you can't close them, and then tell your wife
your troubles.’Cause, only one thing counts in this world: get them to
sign on the line which is dotted.” Thank you for that.
2012 ITYW CHAMPIONS LoopyColon – Rose:
Kurt Busch (14) Burton (21) Johnson (4) Kyle Busch (6)
Some repressed animosity boils over in
LoopyColon camp. Seems that last week’s “Skids” segment wasn’t befitting
a defending ITYW champion. Short, snarky and ended with “toilet”. An
outrage. “I should have a provisional and right of first refusal,”
demands Rose, on a tilt, “They told me down at the USO that I’d be
meeting a lot of strange men. Men in uniform. Creeps a long way from
home, lonely, desperate. They really have one thing on their minds: the
horizontal hula on a grass skirt.” The chaplain was notified.
gutsy comeback brings LoopyColon to mid pack. She takes a flyer with the
Busch brothers. Could be like the Earp brothers vs. the Clantons in the
OK Corral. Strong early but fizzle in the end
Zerodarkturdy – ROB:
Bowyer (11) Kenseth (WINNER) Earnhardt (9)
Stewart (15) Smith (24)
Race 164 Seasons 1629
Zerodarkturdy is closely following LoopyColon going into Darlington. In
some twisted way, that makes sense. “Turdy” indeed! Rob is not amused.
He thinks of the hump who told his doctor, “Doc, I’m getting smaller and
smaller.” The Doc replies, “Well, you have to be a little patient.”
Bold choices paid off with Kenseth’s win and
Earnhardt’s 9th. Stewart was challenging for the win but hit the wall.
Smith fell short and Zerodarkturdy stays in 7th.
Burton (21) Truex (12) Gordon (3) Johnson (4)
Race 179 Season 1627
inroads in ITYW. From the cellar to 8th and only seven points from 6th
the tightest race within ITYW. Burton was the only downside to an up day
for the team on the rebound.
Isho got snared in the Austin
traffic jam resulting from President Obama’s visit last Thursday. As the
motorcade passed and cuts her off, Isho asks the President, “Hey, ain’t
your turn signal working?” Obama looks down and says, “Yes, no! Yes, no!
Yes, no!” Sure!
The DEAD – Ted “Jerry” Dead (W4GMW):
Kyle Busch (6) Johnson (4) Earnhardt (9) Harvick (5) Mears (37 DNF)
Race 161 Seasons 1580
Wow! Still it seems pretty swell
that Jerry gets call letters that include his initials. Even his middle
name initial. Hell, even his own mother didn’t know what his middle name
was. We called him “middle finger” Jerry. Anyway, he deals with the
collegiate atmosphere of Lexington, KY on a daily basis. He’s noted that
the average student is dumber than before. “How do you get a University
of Kentucky PhD student off your porch?” Jerry chides, “Pay him for the
The DEAD had probably the best choices this week until
the whole thing was scuttled by that bouncing boob, Casey Mears. How
this cluck can be a millionaire defies good sense and fore play. Jerry
remains in 9th place but within striking distance of mediocrity.
20 MULE TEAM – Shelley/Randy:
(17) Patrick (28) Kyle Busch (6) Kurt Busch (14) Johnson (4)
154 Season 1566
Smaller heads and bigger asses reach a
consensus that perhaps Shelley should be the arbiter of this team and
pick drivers for a segment. This Randy has been close but always seems
to find the three legged dog in the race. Danica? Whew! Backup car. Poor
qualification. Tough track. She was a long shot in short order. The
Busch brothers showed promise early only to struggle at the end and
Kahne seemed to be a brilliant pick until Kyle Busch helped Kahne find
the wall as both were vying for the lead late. It all adds up to the
ITYW low score of the week.
Ya know? Randy was an officer in the
Army. A born leader of men. One of his men complained that he had the
humps with a $10 hooker and ended up with the crabs. Lieutenant Randy
answered with dismissive disdain, “What do you expect for $10, lobster?”
The stunned dog-face later enlisted in the Navy and is now a
Rogue Planet – Karen:
Kurt Busch (14)
Gordon (3) Kyle Busch (6) Burton (21) Kenseth (WINNER)
There are signs of life on Rogue Planet,
after all. Still in the cellar Rogue delivers a strong 183 points to
pull 20 Mule Team into her gravitational force field. Karen picks the
winner, Kenseth, and withstands Burton’s disappointing effort. It makes
for a ruffled feather and a hair up the whoong but the Planet is hanging
in there. Karen gives the Bette wave and says, “One lesson I learned.
Never shop east of Beverly Hills.”
The nomads of insanity pack up the kit bag and head for
Charlotte. Arguably the “home” track for many of the teams. This
hop-a-long horse show is billed as NASCAR’s all-star event. A Humpy
Wheeler legacy. Hullabaloo, voodoo, hoodoo and a lot of doo-doo. No
NASCAR driver championship points are involved so the festivities are
strictly Saturday night free-for-all. NASCAR equivalent of a WWF Cage
There will be no NASCAR points awarded so ITYW will lay
fallow like Rufus’s last date. But, the Emperor does run a shabby little
book on the side, if anyone is interested in getting some action down on
side bars and sure things just contact him at #vigorish and bend over.
ITYW and NASCAR return to counting points and complaints May
26th for the Coca-Cola 600 right there in Charlotte. A bloody nightcap
to the Indianapolis 500 and the keys to a Memorial Day weekend.
RACE 11 POINTS
RACE 11 SEGMENT 1 STANDINGS
RACE 11 DRIVER SELECTIONS